With all the drama, misunderstandings and different views and opinions, crabby emotions, and personal egos and agendas, the potential for conflict is off the charts! This week on the Beardcast we examine some healthy tools for dealing with conflict. Join us!
Jim Gaffigan on joking about getting into heaven, doing show at the pearly gates
Dealing With Conflict
- conflict abounds through groups of people
- conflict is not negative or positive, but how you deal with it is, we get to choose
- issue is not whether there is conflict, it is how you deal with it
Helpful Tools For Dealing with Conflict
- nonviolent communication
- time out
- “I” statements not “you”
- Your level of comfort with conflict – very helpful to understand in a group
John 17 – pray that they are one, as you and I are one
Rodney King – “why can’t we all just get along”
Our relationships are never as perfect as the Trinity, but that is the model and what to strive for.
What level of conflict are we willing to engage in and address?
- this is important for the individual and as an entire group
- helpful to be self aware and aware of the group
- being considerate of the other person’s approaches to conflict is helpful in dealing with this.
Non Violent Communication
Step 1 – I feel statement
Step 2 – when these things happen (Active listening)
Step 3 – I want to feel
Step 4 – by you doing this Then the other person responds Huge step to know, own and express how you are feeling. Active listening is crucial in creating common understanding. This is POWERFUL!
Step Brothers – “did we just become best friends”
- sometimes not enough just to model the behavior, but to break it down and explain how to do it
- modeling it as well as you can in all situations
- very helpful to have an emotional thermometer in you and tell how you’re feeling, and turn into this communication, instead of just blowing off steam
- many times we go in seeking to say what we want to say, instead of hearing what the other person has to say
- key – make sure you understand what the other person is saying. Even if you don’t get on the same page, you still have a better understanding of where they are and what they believe.
- Remember – you can’t carry the weight for both people. Keep you controlled and that is your job.
- So important to practice this tool. Surprising how difficult it is to use for the first time when you’re angry.
- First time people experience this, they are pissed, because they feel as though you have treated them like a child.
ANOTHER TOOL – Time out
- prevents you from boiling over
- counselors suggest agreeing to be able to invoke this at anytime and the person who invokes it comes back at a specified time and begins the 4 step process. This way both people get a break, both people know when you will come back, and both people know who will begin the next conversation. This creates a safe space and predictability for reconnection, which creates trust and security.
- Can be called for by you or the other person
ANOTHER TOOL – Advocate for the other side
- in order to advocate for someone you have to learn their side well
- good tool for getting people to listen to each other Conflict takes a lot of work and practice. The better you know each other the better you are at communicating these things.
Next Episode – Scripture on conflict, conflict in a system
Beard – “resurrecting” passing the peace in their worship services. Not just chit chat.
Matt – using the nonviolent 4 step communication tool. Builds trust that leads to healthy openness and vulnerability in relationship. Very helpful and healthy!